Ugh control. Ugh.
Could just that be the entire blog? A million ‘ughs’.
Such a fun thing to realize you have issues with *insert 100 eye rolls*
I’ve been thinking a lot about control lately. In my own life, in relationships (yikes there’s a dark hole of confusion and neeeeeed for control), in society, in the adult world; as a whole for all of us. The majority of the time we’re all like little hamsters in a wheel going,
Run, run, run!!
I’m in control!
It’s so close to my grasp!
I’m gunna get control this time and then everything will be so easy!’
*Run, run, run. Fall off the wheel and pass out. *
I know I’m not the only hamster that this is going on with internally. We’re desperate for it. If I can feel in control of myself, or my situation, or this relationship, then I will be at peace. And if I can grab control of this tiny situation, then I won’t have to admit that in the whole grand scheme of life, I have no control what-so-ever. If I can control how this man treats me, or how I look, or how others think about me, then I won’t have to admit that ultimately, I could die tomorrow or be alone forever, or die really unhappy – and thinking about that level of lack of control is WAY too enormous, so let’s just stay focused on the smaller issues we can choke the hell out of.
The age old saying that has been so beat into us that its borderline numb to our psyches is the ‘live today fully because you could die tomorrow’, or any of the other 500 variations of this BS. We say that, and pretend to be more loving or tuned into others and our lives, but I think the vast majority of us can’t ACTUALLY swallow that because, well, dying is so final. We really have no idea what that even means; dying is the one thing we fully cannot imagine because we will only experience it once – and once we do, it’s all over. (Side fact, did you know you physically cannot kill yourself off or die in a dream? Your brain literally doesn’t know how to process that event.) So instead of letting it sink in that ultimately we are at a complete loss of control in this thing, we panic and grasp at straws in every little thing instead of going (but not just saying it, but actually REALLY thinking and acting), ‘Shit. I don’t know what I’m doing, no one does. I COULD die tomorrow. I don’t know what’s coming. This project/financial issue/relationship problem (insert anything) feels enormous, but feelings are temporary and stressing and grasping for control is not going to help.” Maybe instead I should replace the grasping and grabbing with tenderness. Actual tenderness. Tenderness that calms me. Instead of being so stressed that I’m running late for work and taking it out on the coffee lady (who has no control over my life either) maybe I should just breathe and be kind to her. Maybe instead of taking out all my annoyance on my roommate because I’m stressed over a school project, I should ask her how she really is. Can you see it? Instead of making our fists whiter and clenching our jaws tighter – what if we actually let go for a minute. A minute at a time.
I LOVE CONTROL!
Let’s be honest.
I love it. (I just felt like I needed to re-add that half way through in case any of us forgot.)
It’s such a false sense of security and makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside when I feel out of control and then feel in control (of ANYTHING) for more than a minute. But it’s an illusion, a beautiful illusion. So, I’m trying to slow down and quit grabbing to try and make sense of all that I don’t know. I’m trying to stop, and breathe and close my eyes and breathe in tenderness and breathe out and release all that isn’t good and sweet and peaceful. I’m learning slowly. But I want to learn. Because I’m sick of trying to have it all figured out and when I don’t, feeling like I’m somehow missing something – when in reality, I’m pretty sure no one really knows what they’re doing. And we’re all scared semi-shitless. So again, let’s let go…. just a little.
As my yoga teacher teaches when you’re trying to hold a hard pose, “even if you can’t do it yet. Imagine you’re doing it. Put all your mental energy into thinking about it, and eventually you will get there.’ I think the same is true for this. Let’s try, little by little, to release our white knuckles and lean into each other and our own softness just a little more, day by fleeting day.