I wanted to love you so badly.
I was so close, right on the edge.
The way your curls fell over the pillow in the morning or the way you'd look at me from across the room, wag your butt like a dog and I'd scream and you'd pounce and snuggle me so hard I'd yell that you were squishing me, and you'd say 'that was the point', and roll over and laugh and laugh and....
The way your eyes would get far away when you'd talk about your pain, or how you'd make me laugh so hard I couldn't breathe. How you'd, without fail, try and distract me during my psych homework and tell me to quit reading a stupid book and analyze you.
I'm still analyzing you.
But I realized something, and as soon as it hit me, I knew I had to leave.....
I still feel like maybe our timing was just so wrong. We could have been something great. But I cannot live a life of 'could have' 'would have' 'should have'. Fuck that.
And here is my last strength, me, finally, FINALLY, choosing me. Even though every last atom and hair follicle and skin cell in me wants to choose you.
Here was the last thing I said. And then I walked. In strength and dignity, though behind closed doors I still grieve. I still wonder if you read it over. And over. And over.
If you realize how close we were.
If maybe this last goodbye will propel you into change - change for another woman?
Shit, I cannot think of that.
" I have so many things I could say regarding pain and relationships. But ultimately you still have given me 0 answers. It sounds like you want someone who will let you put your pain first.
And I will not.
I would never diminish pain, but it will not be the anchor to my relationship with anyone- and I will not sit around and coddle or enable your pain and destructive tendencies. Because pain makes us fucking selfish human beings.
And I have been cut far too deep by selfish men in the past.
Your pain has led this from day one.
Never once a:
'i really like you, Carly.
I think you're beautiful.
You mean something to me.
Tell me about your day, or your pain, or your history or heart or feelings.'
never.
Its been about you. From not knowing how you feel about relationships and commitment to every discussion. And I do not believe that is who you are deep down.
At all.
But I cant live tied to your pain.
So you need to make up your mind.
You either choose someone who you give a shit about, or you choose your pain.
You walk through it with someone, and figure our your patterns and complexities, but still putting the other person before that, or you don't.
Its your choice. I have all the grace in the world. But I do not have grace for constantly being on a back burner, or 2nd best to your confusion. I know my worth - and it doesn't fucking matter the history or issues, you either pick a person, or you don't. Its so simple to me.
I'm sorry if this sounds so harsh.
But I wont sit here and let you be a victim. The reason I've stuck around is because I see a good man in there. But I wont keep sitting here wondering if I have any value to you."
For once, I am picking me. I am tearing my softness away from you, from the warmth of your arms, in order to find someone else who will put me above their ache.
I am leaving so I can find someone who will search my eyes for the questions.
Who will find my laugh lines and ask the stories behind them.
I am closing this door and erasing your brown eyes from my memory in order to find someone who will not put me second.
I do not want to.
But I have to.
I was so close to loving you. And deep down. I know you almost loved me too. As well as you knew how. You couldn't hide the way your eyes drifted to me when you thought I want looking. Or the way you'd reach for me...even in your sleep. You never stoped reaching.
You were reaching for so much. And even I couldn't fill all those voids.
But I'm so glad I didn't. I'm not sure there would have ever been any getting over you. I hope you learn to love yourself. Because you are so worth loving.
But so am I.
So goodbye. A love that is free, and whole, and sure, is worth it. I still believe that.